Tasticle

by Nathan Jones

Another year over already?! It came so fast and you haven’t even put any thought into what you feel like depriving yourself of next year!! What unreasonable expectations should you set for yourself so you can feel like a failure next year too. Don’t you worry Tasticle has your back with this quick list of 23 Resolutions you can try out, or just tell your friends you are doing. (We won’t tell if you actually don’t follow through with any)

1. Stop secretly adding weird shows to your friends Netflix “My List”

We know it seemed funny to add “I am a Stalker,” followed by “Sorry to Bother You,” “Worst Roommate ever,” and “Creeped Out,” to your shared Netflix account but it really wasn’t that funny. They didn’t notice, already have seen most of those shows, and password sharing is about to end anyway.

2. Stop adding vanilla extract to your tuna salad

It was fun but it has run its course. Whoever started this trend of vanilla in tuna needs to come forward and call for an end to this in 2023.

3. Start free farting more in public

We all do it. Why do we hide it and cause unnecessary stomach problems. This 2023 let it rip loud and proud.

4. Try adding more giblets to your diet

Sure we all get some around thanksgiving but why should we only eat giblets once a year. Try spicing up your Spring and Summer dishes with giblets too!

5. Stop rolling your bowling ball before the pinsetter gate has finished

Sure we have all been there. Mr. Too-Cool-to-Wait-for-the-pinsetter-to-go-back-up-before-rolling-my-bowling-ball-at-it-to-narrowly-miss-it. We are here to tell you that if you mess up you look like a total jackass, and if you get it right you just look like a douche. Stop doing it. No one is impressed. No one is sitting at home recalling that memory.

“Dude remember when Josh started bowling before the pinsetter went back up and then it went up at the last second and his bowling ball narrowly missed it, that was so cool. I wish I could be Josh”

-Nobody

6. Stop getting the Edgar Hair Cut

We seriously thought this style would fade away years ago but it is still here. Have you looked at it?Have you looked at someone else with one? From all angles? You still chose to get one? All of your friends with one were cool with having matching dumb haircuts? Okay do you but maybe let’s give it a rest in 2023 try a new fade.

7. Start going to pioneer farms more

Just because you were forced to go once in second grade on a field trip doesn’t mean you have to leave them hanging high and dry like that. Go back and check out pioneer farms again as an adult. Make a day trip out of it. Take a date to churn some butter. You don’t have to be in school to take a field trip.

8. Slow down on the Balut, save some for us

Sure it’s good but too much of a good thing isn’t alway good for you. Take a rest on eating balut in 2023.

9. Go Zorbing more

Ever since Covid you let your zorbing skills slide. Get back out there and zorb it up in 2023!

10. Like, share, comment more

We all lurk but it’s nice sometimes to interact with a post.

11. Try taking up a new hobby like Worm Husbandry

Help keep the worm population thriving by breeding your own worms. It’s a fun activity the whole family can enjoy.

12. Learn how to play the photoplayer

It’s never too late to learn how to play the photoplayer. Ever since these dang movies with sound came out it’s become somewhat of a lost art form but it’s still a valuable skill that could carry you through life.

13. Stop using the term Cowboy and start saying Horseboy

Where have all the horseboys gone? Have you thought about it? When you say cowboy you are typically envisioning a man riding a horse. We are okay with saying horsegirl about horsegirls. Why can’t we say Horseboy? Why is it somehow emasculating to put boy at the end of horse but not at the end of cow. We don’t call them Cowmen. Horseboy is the logical name we should call them and we are here for it.

14. Go for more crawls outdoors

Sure we all walk or jog or run but hardly anyone goes out for a good crawl anymore. Most of us haven’t crawled since we were a toddler. Try it out it can be oddly soothing and grounding.

15. Breathe harder

Most of us have stopped thinking about how hard we breathe. Honestly most of us these days breathe super soft. Try adding some extra oomph to that next inhale. Air is pretty good right. Give it a try.

16. See if your fellow adult peers can come out and play

In this age of cellphones and seclusion everything has become so planned out. Try going back to your roots and ride your bike over to your friends house unannounced, knock and ask if they can come out and play. Sure they are in their 30s now and hiding after having a mini heart attack at the sound of knocking while tiptoeing softly to look through the peephole but why don’t we do this anymore?

17. Call your local representatives more

They represent you right? Why aren’t you calling them. I call mine everyday just to shoot the shit. Give ‘em a ring make em earn those tax dollars.

18. Play more Yo-Kai Watch this 2023

That one’s just for me. Most people stopped playing this but if ya feel like giving it a shot go ahead.

19. Stop nicknaming Pokémon already!

No one wants to trade Pokémon and end up with “assface” in their party and have to remember that “ass face” is actually Squirtle with no way of changing the nickname. Stop.

20. Fly kites once or twice a week

Trust us, you are not getting enough kite flying in your adult life. Many successful famous people have been known to fly the ol’ kite.

21. Try drinking water at least once a month

The doctor didn’t specify what fluids meant when they said to drink more of them but try to incorporate actual water from time to time.

22. Take shorter poops

Not in length of size but length of time. Spending too much time on the toilet can put your legs to sleep if you are scrolling on your phone with your elbows anchored into your legs. 2023 will be the year of shorter poops.

23. Treat yourself to a private karaoke date

Take some you time this year and go to a karaoke place and rent a room to do karaoke in by yourself. Trust us it feels wonderful to let of some steam belting your favorite tunes in an empty room by yourself. Very therapeutic.