Tasticle

By Nathan Jones

As we all know September 19th, 2023 is the big day. The day the rapture was scheduled to take all of the good Christians to heaven. Even if you believe it or not, it happened. If you are reading this however, you did not qualify and were left behind to suffer with the rest of the heathens. You really shouldn’t have laughed so hard at that video of Hasbulla ramping a motorcycle into a car.

In fact, after our team investigated further we found that God and Jesus both came down today, but did not find a single soul qualified for the rapture. After an active shooter tried to take out Jesus, they quickly flew back to the heavens, never to return again.

Good news and bad news. Bad news is this was the last scheduled rapture, your final chance. So if you didn’t make it now, you never will. Good news is at least now you can start living for yourself and doing the things you’ve always deprived yourself of. You no longer need to pretend to be better than everyone else. You can try that milk steak recipe you’ve always wanted to try. Live it up because this is it.